If you want to piss me off, make me watch a mediocre movie longer than two hours. If you really want to piss me off, send me a script that’s longer than 100 pages… And if you want me to burn your screenplay in front of you as I manically laugh, name a character UNIMPORTANT GUY #3.
I dare you.
New screenwriters tend to think more is, well… more. I’m here to tell you it’s not. Eat too much ice cream, you get sick. Snort too much coke, you die. If those two examples aren’t proof enough that excess is bad, then you’re probably about to die from an ice cream overdose.
A spec screenplay should be 90 pages or less, not 91, not 92, 90 or less.
But I’m special, I have something really important to say! No- You don’t. Don’t make the mistake of thinking your views of the world are so original and important that I need to dedicate an evening of my life reading your 120 page script. Nobody watches 2001: A Space odyssey and says – “Wow, I really wish Kubrick made longer movies.”
If there are two screenplays of the same quality, about the same story, but one is shorter- Guess which one is getting made? The shortest one. Screenwriters write screenplays, a screenplay is a plan for making a movie, the job of the screenwriter is to create the most succinct plan for making a movie.
- If he’s so damn important to your story, then why doesn’t he have a name? UNIMPORTANT GUY #3 is fluff, he’s a crutch, and the hallmark of a lazy writer.
- You describe UNIMPORTANT GUY #3. WTF! You don’t take the time to name him, but he’s so damn unimportant you take the time to describe him. This is strike number two. Not only did I just quit reading your screenplay, but I printed it out and burned it.
- This brings me to my last point. Do you know what the worst part about UNIMPORTANT GUY #3 is? It’s the fact that there are two versions only slightly more important than him because they were introduced earlier in the story.
The good thing is, unlike most men, UNIMPORTANT GUY #3 can be improved. With a little creativity, UNIMPORTANT GUY #3 could be the thing that distinguishes your script from the wolf pack.
- Make him a joke. If you’re writing a story high on action and you have a cool idea for how your hero or heroine could kill someone, have some fun with it. Name him DUDE ABOUT TO DIE or PUNCHING BAG #124. This lets the reader in on the joke – This guy’s only purpose is to get his face beat in. As a reader, I’m all in when I see this.
- Name = Description. Make her description part of her name. This is a technique I love,
it kills two birds with one stone. Sorry PETA, it lights two candles with one match (that’s actually pretty good). By combining the name and description, you just saved me some reading, and have begun to slowly gain my trust, because now I know you value my time.
To illustrate this point, I’ve included an excerpt from one of my screenplays:
INT. STRIPCLUB – DAY
RICK (60s) sits on a plush magenta sofa. He’s a less distinguished version of his older brother. This is exclaimed by his black t-shirt and the barely legal BUBBLE GUM STRIPPER shaking her ass in his face-
RICK
We really need to get back to work…
The stripper turns around and shoves her breast in his face-
BUBBLE GUM STRIPPER
We had a deal… You lend me your eyes and…
She blows a BUBBLE and pops it with her tongue-
BUBBLE GUM STRIPPER (CONT’D)
I lend you my hands…
Sorry, you’ll have to wait for the punchline…
Every time we read her name: BUBBLE GUM STRIPPER, we get it, the image is clear. STRIPPER #3 leaves the playing field wide open, but BUBBLE GUM STRIPPER carries a lot of visual baggage, while leaving room for the reader to fill in the blanks. If her name were Stripper, I have questions…. Is she one of those sad middle-aged strippers trying to make ends meet until social security kicks in? Is she from a trailer park? Or does she do it for the art of stripping?
The reality is that these characters exist on the page for only a moment, but they can leave a lasting impression when crafted carefully.
What if I name UNIMPORTANT GUY #3 Dave?
That’s not better, that’s worse! I’m sure Dave is a great guy, but if Dave only has one line, and appears in a single scene, he is just as forgettable as UNIMPORTANT GUY #3. In fact, he’s worse, because it tricks the reader into thinking this character plays a more important role in the future, but he doesn’t, because he’s not important.